A mass deportation of White Sox fans from Wrigleyville is set to begin this week after Cubs owner Tom Ricketts signed a controversial executive order to send them back to the South Side of Chicago.
When asked how White Sox fans will be singled out, Ricketts said there will be an array of extreme vetting processes and ideological tests.
“Before fans enter any local bars, and especially Wrigley Field, they will be asked to accurately recite the entirety of ‘Go Cubs, Go.’ If a person can do so without projectile vomiting, then he or she is clearly a Cubs fan and is welcome in,” said Ricketts.
Ricketts also hopes this vetting process will help weed out all of the bandwagon Cubs fans, whose “definition of getting to second base strongly differs from that of a real Cubs fan.”
Cubs loyalists have mixed emotions about the new “fan ban,” as it has come to be known.
“[Sox fans] aren’t all bad. Sure, some of them can get rowdy and start fights on the field,” said Blake Benton, a die-hard Cubs fan. “But maybe we should be a little more tolerant and not just stereotype an entire 30 or 40 people, which is how many Sox fans I assume there are in the city.”
The deportation will begin immediately, and White Sox fans are encouraged to enjoy the overpriced drinks and sweaty frat bros that Wrigleyville has to offer while they can.