After banning Adam LaRoche’s 14-year-old son from the White Sox clubhouse, team president Kenny Williams decided to take his ruling one step further, and banned any children from entering U.S. Cellular Field for the 2016 season.
“We’ve never really cared about our attendance numbers,” Williams said to the press. “So we figured what harm would it do to just ban children from every game? It’s my job as president to ensure that [The White Sox organization] is not only as unlikable as possible, but to rid the sport of something that I’ve always felt was way overrated: parent/child bonding time.”
That’s not to say that parents will have to leave their children at home. Williams showed the press plans for a new day care center just outside of the stadium.
“We have a great little center set up right inside of the 35th street L station,” Williams boasted. “They’ll be able to hear the game from inside of the U.S. Cellular Kid Cell, and we’ve even supplied tin cans so they can earn some extra cash while outside of our park. They’ll have the same kind of great experience they would have inside of the stadium, but without all of the boring, life-lasting memories.”
Sox announcer Ken “Hawk” Harrelson lauded Williams’ decision as “the best thing to happen to baseball since the Hall of Fame great Carl Yastrzemski, who I know very well.”