It was the game of the year in the NFC North. The Detroit Lions had a chance to exorcise some demons by winning their first division title in over 20 years while also getting a victory in Green Bay for the first time since 1991. Neither of those feats were accomplished, but Lions players still had reason to celebrate, as they were all able to successfully leave the state of Wisconsin without being attacked by Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from Saved By the Bell.
Screech was arrested earlier in the week for stabbing a man on Christmas Eve at the happiest place on Earth, The Grand Ave Saloon of Ozaukee County. Although Screech was temporarily incarcerated, his good friends Zack Morris and A.C. Slater helped him escape by distracting the man who runs the prison, Warden Belding, and then swiping his keys.
With Screech on the loose, there was no telling what damage would have been done to the Lions. A nervous Dominic Raiola addressed the media.
“Look, I have no problem stomping on an offensive lineman when he’s clearly down, or elbowing a player five days after the whistle, but to personally be the victim of an attack, well I just don’t know what I would do there,” he said.
Raiola’s counterpart and fellow cheap-shot artist Ndamukong Suh agreed.
“I’m just scared out of my mind,” said Suh. “I mean this is the guy who stalked Lisa Turtle, helped Jesse Spano score caffeine pills so she could lose weight…or ace a test I think. He played bass in Zack Attack and he even got fake ID’s and a mustache so he could meet college girls. I mean this maniac could be anywhere right now.”
Although his whereabouts remained unknown, there was hope that Screech could be located by triangulating the signal on the cell phone he borrowed from Zach Morris.
