The Red Eye has reported that in an effort to expand the team’s fan base after another miserable season, the Chicago Cubs have designated Saturday, August 9th against the Tampa Bay Rays as Hipster Night.
“We’re looking to get these kids from the Wicker Park and Bucktown neighborhoods here to the games,” said president of baseball operations, Theo Epstein. “We wanna see more handlebar mustaches and Buddy Holly glasses. Any woman wearing suspenders or leg warmers will get a discounted price. Bring your vintage cameras and satchels. Unicycles are welcome.”
The Cubs have received a special permit, and game time will start around 1AM. Iceage will sing the national anthem, unless they gain any ounce of popularity in the interim. Zooey Deschanel will throw out the first pitch.
Hot dogs, pretzels and cotton candy will be retired for the day as kimchi, kale chips and vegan cookies will be served with a cup of tea.
The Cubs will wear their throwback uniforms from the twenties, but will wear beanies instead of caps to commemorate the night. The art zine, 1/2, will be sold in lieu of programs. The seventh inning stretch will be replaced by a discussion about Charles Bukowski.
Reached for his thoughts on Bukowski, Cubs shortstop Starlin Castro just stared blankly, confused.
“We’re aware that hipsters don’t refer to themselves as hipsters, but to entice them to come to the game we will have pop-up stores from Urban Outfitters and American Apparel,” said Epstein. “Wrigley Field also has free Wi-Fi for blog posts or Instagram. And yes, we’ll allow American Spirit to be smoked and only PBR to be served. We’d like the hipsters to actually watch the game, but we’re planning on them just meandering around aimlessly.”
When asked if he thought he was a hipster, Epstein responded, “Of course, I listen to Pearl Jam.”