Citing longer games and a “lack of interesting food choices,” the famed Wrigley Field seagulls have announced plans to boycott Cubs home games the rest of the season.
“Attendance is down, meaning fewer humans leaving behind unwanted food and many games last nearly three-and-a-half hours, meaning longer workdays for those of us still trying to get by on Cubs games,” said Gully McWaveland, spokesbird of the Wrigley Field chapter of the Association of Seagulls, Woodpeckers and Pelicans, the trade union representing the gulls in their plight. “After six seasons of this pigeon shit, we’ve finally said ‘Enough is a enough.'”
Best known at Wrigley for their late-inning dive-bombing in the bleachers, where they scarf up leftover pretzels, hotdog buns, pizza crusts and whatever else they can muster up, the gulls said they’ll now set their sights on still undetermined greener pastures.
“We’re not sure where we’ll go just yet,” said McWaveland. “Some of our brothers and sisters in other cities suggested we head to the dumpsters of the nearby Taco Bell and McDonald’s, but even we have standards.”
Though Cubs fans have widely viewed the gulls as a nuisance, many took the boycott as a chance to slam the team’s ownership.
“You know it’s bad when the flying rats stop showing up,” said Roman Kalinowski of Wheaton. “What’s next? The bootleg T-shirt vendors outside the park? Or maybe the overwhelming urine smell outside many of the restrooms? Someday all these annoyances will be gone from Wrigley and we won’t even recognize the place.”
Added Kalinowski: “Thanks a lot, Tommy boy!”