The Cubs shocked the baseball world today by capping off Wednesday’s ceremony honoring the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field’s opening by announcing the legendary stadium’s impending demolition.

“She’s a grand old ball field,” said Cubs owner Tom Ricketts while addressing the pre-game crowd. “But her time has come and we must start anew.”

Ricketts said Wrigley will be knocked down the day after the current regular season ends to make way for a new, modern park with many of the amenities the current stadium lacks. Most importantly, Ricketts added, New Wrigley Field will face southwest rather than northeast.

“We’d like to take better advantage of the setting sun during evening games,” said Ricketts. “The fact that we’ll New Wrigley will now be facing the opposite direction of the rooftop parasites, I mean owners, has nothing to do with the decision.”

hecklerstaff