Carl Weathers NFL Power Rankings — Week 3, 2013
by Patrick O. Elia
on Sep 24, 2013
Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Detroit Lions The Fighting Suh stomp on Washington 27-20 behind 385 yards from Matthew Stafford and a Megatron Mega-TD.
9 – Cincinnati Bengals Cincy wins a rumble in the jungle vs. Green Bay, a sloppy & exciting fight that certainly shouldn’t have been the undercard to some of the late afternoon games. Game decided 34-30 on a Terence Newman fumble return.
8 – Indianapolis Colts Hoosier Horseshoes step up a couple weight classes, but TKO the ‘Niners nonetheless. Luck, Bradshaw & newbie Richardson all gallop for TDs in 27-7 win.
7 – Kansas City Chiefs K.C. and the Sunshine Band pummel Philly behind the new Reid option, 26-16. Donnie Avery leads the way with 141 yards on 7 catches.
6 – Miami Dolphins Atlanta tried to flog the dolphin in South Beach. Hey, stupid Falcons, don’t try and flog the dolphin in Florida! Ryan Tannehill connects with Dion Sims for game-winner with :38 left, water mammals prevail 27-23.
5 – New England Patriots Tom Brady & Co. cream their third straight tomato can. This week’s victim: the Tampa Bay Bucs (23-3 behind 225 yards/2 Brady TD passes). Their schedule is softer than “Money” Mayweather’s.
4 – Chicago Bears Monsters of the Midway crush the Men of Steel 40-23 to set up NFC North title bout in Detroit next week. Bears force 5 TOs and get 87 yards rushing/TD from Matt Forte.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Another Sonic Boom in the Pacific Northwest, blood seen dripping out of several Jax players during 45-17 beat-down (Led by Master of Disaster Russell Wilson’s 4 TD tosses).
2 – Denver Broncos Peyton Manning wins shootout at the KO corral (37-21, 3 TD passes) vs. my boys in first match-up of the league’s top teams in 2013. But remember fake neck boy, revenge is a dish best served in the Black Hole.
1 – Oakland Raiders The league’s most athletic and entertaining team continues to show newfound versatility with Darren McFadden as our newest passing threat. Look out!
Program note – The September 29th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Piggly Wiggly & Stroh’s) hits the road with a visit to College Station, Texas so Marv can spank some sense into Johnny Football before he joins the NFL.