Consider it the end of an era. The baserunning ace who couldn’t get on base has been traded by the Cubs to the Arizona Diamondbacks, whisking away with him the hearts of many supporters. While most fans seem to agree that minor league pitching depth is what the Cubs need to compete in the long run, a small contingent immediately began planning what has come to be known as Campana Convention 2014.
“Tony is the future of baseball,” said convention organizer Evan Berman. “Running, sprinting, sliding — all the tools are there. Our convention will celebrate his ability to be super-focused at the expense of literally everything else.”
Scheduled around Campana’s return to Chicago next season, the event will take place directly outside the door to Campana’s hotel room and at several other locations throughout the city. The logistics are not entirely in place, as it is not yet known how Campana will react to being followed by a large, weeping mob.
Events include the competitive screaming of “Can I get a hug, Tony!?”, a race to see who can keep up with the outfielder long enough to snap a clear picture, and a clinic during which Campana will teach a bunch of underage kids how to buy beer if they’ll just leave him alone.
“I apologize for all the hearts I may have stolen,” said Campana, when informed of the situation. “But I gotta run. Haha. Sorry, I’m not as well-known for my quick wit.”