The shocking news that Pope Benedict XVI is retiring has raised the issue as to which member of the prestigious College of Cardinals will become the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church. However, given his most recent Super Bowl victory and constant references to his personal relationship with God, the Baltimore Ravens’ Ray Lewis has thrown his hat in the ring to succeed the outgoing Holy Father.
“This job was meant for me! Praise be to God!” said an elated Lewis. “I’m not even Catholic … Hallowed be thy name! But I’m sure that the Cardinals will overlook any sketchy situations I’ve been in over the course of my life. Hallelujah! God is good! God. God. Jesus. God. God!”
When asked of his qualifications, Lewis felt he was fully capable of taking on the job. “Well, I’ve been wearing a lot of purple. And I always have some form of crucifix around my neck. Plus, I’m not opposed to praying in public. And of course, God wants me to do this. Thank you Father! God. God. Jesus. God. Father. God!”