Insanely jealous of all the coverage the Harbaugh brothers are getting for the HarBowl, attention-grubbing twin brothers Rex and Rob Ryan decided to face off in their own ultimate football matchup in hopes of generating some buzz. The buzz they made was quite literal as they squared off in father Buddy Ryan’s basement over the electric football game they played as kids.
“I guarantee I’m going to win the Bro Bowl. This is the best team I’ve ever had!” Rex boasted during the pregame spread of chicken wings, nachos and Budweiser. “With Mark Sanchez as my triple-threat quarterback, there’s no way my hack of a brother can take me down!”
Rex was in control of the miniature hand-painted New York Jets, while Rob had to play with a generic unpainted team after his Dallas Cowboys team was accidentally thrown in the trash by their mom. In order to spice things up, the siblings placed a wager on the game. If Rex won, Rob would have to kiss the creepy wife tattoo on Rex’s arm. If Rob won, Rex would be forced to eat a strand of Rob’s greasy, untamed hair.
The game began with a thrilling touchback kickoff by triple-threat Sanchez. Rob’s squad took the ball and went three and out after vibrating uncontrollably in the wrong directions, much like the defenses he’s coached in real life. After a punt return by mini Joe McKnight, Rex’s team set up at their own 35. Rex called a passing play but Sanchez was immediately picked off and Rob’s blank cornerback returned it for a touchdown.
“YEAH BABY!” Rob yelled as he jumped up and celebrated. “Now why the hell couldn’t Morris Claiborne do that for me?!”
The action was interrupted by a ringing doorbell. Buddy opened the door to find Tim Tebow standing on the porch. “Hey, guys! Can I play too?” Tebow said in his boyish voice. Buddy quickly slammed the door in his face and went back to the basement.
On the ensuing kickoff, the ball bounced off one of Rex’s players and went out of bounds. Rex insisted that was an illegal procedure penalty and he should get the ball at the 40 yard line. “THAT’S BOGUS, REX!” Rob shot back, with spit flying out of his mouth. “That’s a fumble and it’s MY BALL!”
“SCREW YOU STUPID HEAD!” Rex countered. “DAD! Rob is making up the rules! Make him stop!” Rob, offended by the accusation, threw the electric football field across the room and put Rex in a headlock while giving him noogies.
“That’s enough you two!” Buddy shouted as he took off his belt and smacked both twins across their rear ends.
As Rex and Rob sobbed in the corner, they both agreed that their Bro Bowl should be a tie, and that they would never speak of it again.