Wednesday’s Deadspin article that revealed Manti Te’o’s girlfriend never existed, much less died, has turned out to be just the beginning of the unraveling for the Notre Dame linebacker. In fact, the Heisman runner-up has since admitted he is not a 21-year-old native Hawaiian of Samoan decent. Instead, he’s actually a 45-year-old white guy from North Dakota named Chuck Phillips.
“I got bored with my life back in Bismarck where I worked as a CPA,” said Phillips aka Te’o. “So some friends and I decided I should concoct a new identity for myself and get a fresh start elsewhere.”
Phillips weighed a few glamorous options such as astronaut, Justin Bieber backup singer and Lakers 10th-man, but eventually settled on becoming a star linebacker for Notre Dame.
“Something about that school has always appealed to me,” said Phillips. “Maybe it’s because I was a fraud and it seems like a lot of guys coming out of that program are frauds too.”
Phillips added about 45 pounds of muscle, took on an intense workout regime, dyed his skin, got lots and lots of fake tattoos, and learned Mormonism. From there, it was easy sailing.
“Notre Dame recruited me even though I didn’t have a high school diploma and openly rejected Catholicism for another, even more screwed-up religion,” said Phillips. “I guess that despite all the lies and deceit I was putting out there, I had turned myself into a good enough linebacker to warrant special treatment, and that’s really the only thing I’ve learned through this whole ordeal: Big-time college sports is a soulless deathtrap that will look past everything terrible you could possibly do with your life as long as you’re helping them make money.”
Phillips said he was already planning to return to North Dakota before his secret got out.
“I had a terrible game in the BCS Championship, and for as boring as North Dakota is, you still want to have pride in what you do for a living,” said Phillips. “And there’s no pride in getting beat by four touchdowns while living a complete lie. Look out Bismarck, big daddy Chuck Phillips is coming home!”