With no playoff wins since 1993 and a fanbase nearing full revolt, the Kansas City Chiefs are pulling out all the stops to hire an established head coach. They have turned to a man with four conference championship losses under his dangerously-stretched belt: recently fired Eagles coach Andy Reid.
The Chiefs, who have the first pick in the 2013 draft thanks to a 2-14 record, plan to lure Reid to Kansas City not with promises of great QB play from Matt Cassel/Brady Quinn, but with assurances of world-famous Kansas City BBQ — and lots of it. During the team’s meeting with Reid today, they brought in 10 racks of ribs from Gates BBQ, an entire pig roast from Three Little Pigs BBQ, 8 pounds of brisket from the Golden Ox, and a trough full of pulled pork from Arthur Bryant’s Barbecue. Reid was free to gorge on the spread while Chiefs General Manager Scott Pioli gave him the team sales pitch.
“I think the meeting went really well,” claimed Pioli. “We were in the room for four hours. Three of it was Andy stuffing his face with delicious, juicy meat while muttering ‘Can’t talk, eating…’, half an hour of it was him cleaning the BBQ sauce out of his mustache with an army of moist towlettes, and the other half hour we had some great discussion about football. I got scared for a second when my pen rolled next to his plate and he nearly bit my hand off when I reached for it, but it was all a big misunderstanding.”
While optimism is oozing from both the team and Kansas City restaurants at the possibility of hiring Reid, the Mayor of Philadelphia expressed great concern over Reid leaving town.
“The Philly Cheesesteak is not only the iconic food of Philadelphia, it’s an integral part of the local economy here,” explained Mayor Michael A. Nutter. “With Mr. Reid’s firing, cheesesteak vendors are looking at a complete economic collapse that could turn this city into the next Detroit. Andy was a regular at pretty much any place that sells cheesesteaks and his consumption of them increased 5% every year during his tenure with the Eagles. Without that revenue, this city will have to earn more on boring historical stuff like that stupid bell with a crack in it.”
Reid was unavailable for comment after his meeting with the Chiefs because he had fallen into a deep BBQ coma.