Moments after the Bears were eliminated from playoff contention on Sunday, attention turned to whether the team would fire Lovie Smith, or let him finish out the final year of his contract as a “lame duck” coach. In a surprise twist, GM Phil Emery opted to replace Smith with an actual injured duck, which Emery believes will “undoubtedly be a better game manager” than the veteran Bears coach.
“Sure, Quackers has a broken leg and doesn’t even speak English,” said Emery. “But let’s be honest, could he be any worse in crucial situations? We’ve observed the duck for nearly three hours and he hasn’t wasted a single timeout yet.”
Fans have already rallied around the duck.
“Look, I think it showed emotion!” exclaimed Bob Benson of Cicero. “And it hasn’t presided over two straight epic season collapses … so that’s another thing to like about it more than Lovie. I don’t even need to hear about its offensive philosophy, as we can only go up from here, right?”