With Pierzynski gone, Chicago athletes battle to take over as city’s biggest jerk

by Brew Dreesus

on Dec 22, 2012

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Former White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski left town this week for Texas, leaving Chicagoans everywhere in search of the newest athlete to hate. Though they are big shoes to fill, and a large head to punch, The Heckler has a list of athletes in this town who are all campaigning for city’s biggest D-Bag so you, the reader, can make an informed decision on who you want to flip you off in public.

Jay Cutler – Easily has become the early favorite as city’s biggest wad. There are rumors he’s been tanking this season to get on everyone’s bad side already. Pluses: he hates cameras, loves to pout, and throws it to the other team a lot. Minuses: Can make amazing throws, though this hasn’t been seen recently.

Jake Peavy – Would allow city’s biggest jerk to remain with the team everyone loves to ignore. Pluses: He talks way too much, claims to be competing but is never healthy and whatever the hell bulldog means. Minuses: Played up to potential last year and allows teammates to make fun of him.

Brian Urlacher – Another strong candidate, from the team we are all growing to hate. Pluses: Annoying XFinity Commercials, hates the media, looks like Kane the WWE Wrestler. Minuses: Looks like Kane the WWE Wrestler, 76% of people say if one person looks like the city of Chicago it would be Urlacher.

Patrick Kane – Kaner! Binge Drinking. Cabbies. Poor treatment of women. Kaner!

Carlos Zambrano – Since no one on the Cubs expects to be on the team for longer than four months, Carlos is the Cubs representative despite not actually being near Chicago. He’s that much of a jerk. Pluses: Is Pierzynski’s mortal enemy and is always a threat to attack another teammate. Minuses: With every passing day, fans forget that he doesn’t live here, diminishing his Freddy Kruger like powers of appearing in Gatorade cooler related nightmares.