Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Seattle Seahawks Seem to be playing a weak-ass schedule while piling more points per game than most college hoops teams (and I still hold that “win” vs. the Pack against them). RW1 leads route over Bills with 3 scoring runs, we’ll see how they do with a step up in class this week against San Fran.
9 – Washington Redskins KC1 wins first game replacing RGIII (Cousins: 329 yards/2 TD), 38-21 over the Brown Turds of Cleveland. When both QBs are healthy I recommend a two-QB system in which both men are on the field at all times.
8 – Denver Broncos Denver players take a brief break from their legalized weed sales businesses to travel to Baltimore and whoop up on the Ravens (the team plane landed 6 times during the trip east to get Dorito tacos). Eric Decker leads the way with 133 receiving yards and a score.
7 – Minnesota Vikings Despite playing with a QB who can barely throw a ball over the line of scrimmage, the Nordic Nomads destroy Rams led by this week’s Master of Disaster Adrian Peterson (212 yards and an 82 yard score that melted the field turf beneath his feet).
6 – Houston Texans Texans lasso Colts, which, given the teams’ nicknames, seemed a rather obvious conclusion to such a game. Andre Johnson catches 11 balls for 151 yards and a score in 29-17 win.
5 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds finally step up for a big bowl of respect, shutting out the defending chumpion Giants 34-0, making Eli cry and call big bro Peyton for a pep talk during the third quarter. Matt Ryan tosses 3 TD passes.
4 – Green Bay Packers Pack stays hot, beats Bears 21-13 behind a TD hat trick by James Jones. Damn I miss hat tricks and hockey, Bo Jackson and I are the only two men to star in both the NFL and NHL. Get it done, Bettman, or soon you will answer to my fists. Greg Jennings, no matter how much Old Spice you cover yourself in, you still stink.
3 – New England Patriots Pats almost rally from down 31-3 vs. San Fran but ultimately fall short 41-34. It’s later revealed team played first half in Brady-mandated Ugz cleats which apparently suck for football. Mr. Ugz does throw for 443 yards with a pass TD and a rushing score.
2 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners Colin Kaepernick-tain America leads SF over Butt-chin Brady 41-31, tossing 4 TD strikes (including tie-breaking game winner to Michael Crabtree). Jim Harbaugh’s scowl is getting better week by week.
1 – Oakland Raiders Back in Black, baby!!! 15-0 blanking of KC just the start of big things for the dark marauders and plunderers of pugilism. Sebastian Janikowski drills 5 field goals and Dominant Darren McFadden runs for 110 yards.
Program note – The December 23rd edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature scenes from the upcoming NFL Network debut of Marv’s “A Football Life.” Some of the highlights:
- Marv inventing the football
- Marv diagramming the first plays in chalk on a cave wall for cavemen
- Marv giving birth to Bill Walsh
- Marv and former Bill linebacker Darryl Talley getting their hair styled
- Marv doing some light calisthenics