Immediately after signing a five-year, $125 million contract with the Los Angeles Angels, former Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton began excitedly calculating exactly how much cocaine he could buy with such a large sum of money.
When reached for comment about his new contract, Hamilton told reporters, “Well, I’ve still got a mortgage on my house in Texas, so I’ll probably need to save about a million a year to pay for that and to get myself a nice condo in Cali. So at this point, the maximum amount I can set aside for coke would be $24 million each year, right everybody?”
When a member of the media awkwardly attempted to interrupt Hamilton by asking about his decision to leave the Rangers, with whom he has spent the majority of his career, Hamilton cut him off.
“Wait! My agent gets 6% of that! Damn, and I have to set aside taxes as well! So okay, if I take 35% out of that, set aside 2.5 mil for my agent, mortgage, and general living expenses, I have … $13.8 million,” he said. “Now, last I checked, uncut Colombian is going for $20 a gram, but I’ll probably be looking at $100 if I’m not going direct from the source, and if I want it without any fillers I’d be looking at $133. So, if we round up, that’ll leave me with about 101 kilos a year. Though I’ll probably have to set aside some extra for a few fall guys, and obviously protection, so that’d probably knock me down to 95. You guys think that’s enough?”
When asked how he was able to make these calculations so effortlessly, Hamilton shrugged and replied, “Oh, I’ve had practice. I helped Ron Washington with his contract negotiation last winter.”
By Jeff GoodSmith