Hoyer trades Garza’s heart, Marmol’s legs, Soriano’s torso to Phillies, pending physical
on Dec 7, 2012
Unable to get a team to take a chance on any of his oft-injured or inconsistent players, Cubs GM Jed Hoyer decided to find a buyer for the sum of their most valuable parts. He accomplished the task at the GM’s annual Winter Meetings this week, striking a deal with Philadelphia. The last barrier is whether the parts can pass a standard MLB physical when combined.
“This all started when we first attempted to unload the good parts of Garza piece-by-piece to several different teams,” said Hoyer. “But then I thought, man … what could we get for Soriano if he could still run and wasn’t afraid of the ball?”
As part of the contract, the Cubs are responsible for all shipping costs, whereas the Phillies will have the task of putting the pieces back together in their preferred manner.
“We’re almost positive that the resulting player will be filled with talent and team spirit, as opposed to loneliness and bloodlust,” said Phillies doctor Zed Geist. “Hey Mary Shelley, where did you get your degree? 19th century England? Boom! Doctored.”