Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Baltimore Ravens The true Purple Power in the Universe (sorry, chumps up there in Minnesota) ekes out OT win over San Diego 16-13. Ray Rice converts a 4th and 29 screen pass leading to tying FG and Charger fans to choke on their fish tacos.
9 – New York Giants Big Blue shreds, grates and melts the Cheese 38-10 in Jersey. Eli gets back on track with 3 TD tosses while Aaron Rodgers arrested for looking too creepy with his Movember ‘stache (later released into Charles Woodson’s custody).
8 – Denver Broncos Broncos play their first game in official hemp uniforms, nip lowly Chiefs 17-9. Peyton Manning put fake neck brace on and walks in for an 85-yard TD as Kansas City defenders either appear to kindly not tackle a disabled person or they’re just really bad (which is more likely).
7 – Green Bay Packers Pack, Rodgers mugged 38-10 in New York, only TD scored by Jordy Nelson. On the bright side, they became the 2,000,000th tourists to be mugged in the greater New York area and were given a ride to the airport in a paddy wagon.
6 – New England Patriots Pats puree Jets 49-19 behind this week’s Master of Disaster Tom Brady (323 yards, 3 TD passes, 1 TD run). Carl was well passed out at this point of the Thanksgiving Day game after eating two full turkeys, a mountain of mashed potatoes and several pies, but I did watch the highlights Friday morning.
5 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds pull out 24-23 thriller over Tampa, Michael Turner runs in score from 3 yards out to secure fourth quarter comeback. Matt Ryan throws for 353 yards and begins working on his excuses for losing first round playoff game to (TBD NFC 5th seed).
4 – Chicago Bears Grrrrr! Nothing better after Thanksgiving than a big chunk of Norsemen meat! Bears gnaw off the limbs of Vikings 28-10 behind 2 TDs from Michael Bush. Win more shocking when you consider the defense scored 0 points.
3 – Houston Texans HOU squeaks out 34-31 OT win in the Motor City on turkey day behind 102 yards and 2 TDs from Arian Foster. Ndamukong Suh continues to amaze me with that flying ninja cartwheel nut shot on Matt Schaub. I love the kid!
2 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners defense led by the firm of Smith & Smith (Justin & Aldon) nullify Saints’ offense (5 sacks and 2 INTs for scores while holding the high-powered Brees Hurricane to 290 total yards) in 31-21 win in the Big Easy. Colin Kaepernick throws for one score while running for another.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack stumble in the jungle (34-10 em-(bleeping)-barrassment to Cincy) but nevertheless clinch the double-secret probation extra AFC wild card bye. Darren McFadden preparing for his return to lineup by eating nails and drinking gasoline. Look out!
Program note – The December 2nd edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature me and Marv dressing up like Obama & Biden and giving our state of the NFL address. It will be funnier than anything ever on any other pregame show, Marv took a class at Second City in Chicago and really wrote some quality material for this segment. Also, our Pam Oliver (I stole her from Fox, what they gonna do?) sits down with Tom Brady to discuss fashion, football and seasonal cocktails.