The season for hockey is well upon us, and as NHL owners and players continue in their total lack of progress, more and more games tick off the calendar. Over 300 hockey games, the Winter Classic and the All-Star Game have already been cancelled by Commissioner Gary Bettman, so it’s not hard to believe that he’s still pulling new tricks from his sleeve. Today he used his power to cancel the holidays, an entire month and the very passing of days.
“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”
The NHL brain trust will work through what used to be several major holidays to ensure the creation of a season. This is one point on which Bettman and the owners actually disagreed, as many of the bigwigs who run the league wanted the break to practice stuffing themselves.
“Why did we give an idiot this much power again?” asked one NHL exec.
“This is crap!” said NHL fan Eric Baker. “I couldn’t wait to carve the Thanksgiving Bettman.”