Millions of idiot Hoosiers face Indiana University-Notre Dame wardrobe conundrum

“The way I figured, I was gonna spill maple syrup on any ol’ shirt I had, anyway,” said Indiana resident Bill Glaxton. “So, I usually just wore muh Fightin’ Irish t-shirt each day of the summer and fall, then switched over to muh Hurryin’ Hoosiers sweatshirt for each day of the winter. Now I’m all turned and twisted!”

Glaxton, like several disloyal Hoosiers, oddly chooses to root for Indiana University’s number one ranked basketball team while also rooting for Notre Dame’s number one ranked football team. However, in the last quarter century, these rare mouth breathers could enjoy the luxury of folding up one team’s apparel and replacing it with another as the seasons changed, and each team eventually disappointed its fan base. This year has proven to be quite the uncomfortable exception.

“I just don’t know what to do,” said Tom Johnson of Martinsville, Indiana. “I mean, it’s hard enough for me to tie my shoes. But changing my shirt every other day? This is crazy! Hoo Hoo Hoosiers! … er, I mean Cheer Cheer for old Notre Dame … golly … I sure am exhausted.”

One may think university leaders would be bothered to only have a mass following for only one sport. However, when asked to comment about the issue, Notre Dame President, Rev. John I. Jenkins, said with a laugh, “Quite the opposite. The beautiful irony about it is most of these slobbering drubs couldn’t even get into Notre Dame! But we’ll continue to take their money every football season. We kind of like that they aren’t here during basketball season. Closed quarters … that horrid smell … it’s more tailor made for Assembly Hall.”

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