Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – New England Patriots The pretty boys, behind 2 Danny Woodhead TDs, edge Bills 37-31, but it’s a bad sign when your head coach is more physically intimidating than anyone on your defense. Those boys need to break out the jump rope and the medicine ball, something.
9 – New York Giants Not Welcome to the Jungle, baby! Giants get whooped up in Cincy, 31-13 behind 4 TD passes from Andy Dalton. Eli playing so poorly (2 INTs) Giants fans calling for Tebow.
8 – Denver Broncos Mile High Mannings whoop Carolina behind Peyton’s 301 yards/TD. And now it’s legal for little Peyton to smoke his medicinal neck weed and little Von Miller to smoke his medicinal glaucoma weed. I’m buying a place in Boulder.
7 – Atlanta Falcons Hurricane Brees busts Birds’ shot at undefeated season. Saints TE Jimmy Graham earns Master of Disaster this week with 146 yards/2 TDs in 31-27 decision and those ’72 Dolphins can drink some stale-ass champagne (Bob Griese is one cheap-ass, let me tell you).
6 – Pittsburgh Steelers Steel Curtain looks more like tin foil shower curtain liner, nip lousy Chiefs 16-13 in OT after losing Big Ben.
5 – Chicago Bears Bears lose contest (13-6 to HOU), Cutler (to concussion) and even the turnover battle (4-2). Mr. Tillman, when the weather is wet like last night you need to punch the ball out with a left jab, not the uppercut (see the 1974 Weathers Wallop). When I did that, the ball exploded and the ball carrier lost 1-3 limbs.
4 – Green Bay Packers (Bye) Cheeseheads spend bye week working on Lambeau Leap but, with no fans in stands to catch them, several players go on IR for severe splinters.
3 – Houston Texans Houston Texans edge Chicago Illinoises 13-6 behind 102 yards rushing/TD reception from Arian Foster. See how silly that looks, Houston, making your team nickname simply your home state pluralized? Go back to being the Oilers, chumps!
2 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners tie St. Louis 24-24. If a tie is like kissing your sister and those players’ sisters are half as ugly as they are, that was one nasty night in the Bay area.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack, due to charges pending vs. 95% of the team from evidence gathered by those cops from “The Wire” and thus having to keep those players out of the Baltimore area, suffer 55-20 loss to Ravens. Carson Palmer, playing with team made up mostly of semi-pro replacements, acquits himself well with 368 passing yards/2 TDs.
Program note – The November 18th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature Marv picking every NFL game off the spread. Nothing irks ole Marv like these nudniks on other pregame shows picking games straight-up. Marv will give you information you can use with your local Gambino backed loan shark, offshore online gaming site or your buddy Sal in Cleveland who always seems to like AFC North teams giving points on the road in November vs. NFC East foes.