Talks continue between NHL owners and the NHLPA in a top-secret location, and progress appears to have finally been made. A source inside the negotiations has revealed that the two sides are down to one sticking-point: the most efficient way to eliminate the Vancouver Canucks from the National Hockey League – simply moving the team, or burning down the city, then moving the team.
“Whether you’re a big-shot team owner or a fourth-line enforcer, everyone can agree that we’re tired of Vancouver’s crap,” said the unnamed source. “I mean, they already tore half the city down themselves. These guys just want to finish the job.”
As far as the negotiations go, owners are looking for a practical business solution, whereas the players are asking for the right to pillage and burn the city, then ship Canucks players overseas via parcel service. Less extreme measures like putting caution tape around the city or teepeeing it were taken off the table early.
“We’ve considered simply waiting for Vancouver to fall into the ocean, or moving the team to someplace remote, like Guam,” said NHLPA Executive Director Donald Fehr. “But we feel that the owners will eventually buy into the fact that it’s best to simply eradicate this wasteland and start over with reasonable people.”