Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Houston Texans Texans toy with Bills 21-9 behind 111 yards and a score from Arian Foster, brace themselves for next week’s trip to the Windy City to face Bears. Them Bears like AFC South food, outscoring the division 234-23 so far. Look out!
9 – New York Giants Defending champs soil their trunks in fourth quarter collapse vs. Pittsburgh (Keystone state squad scores 14 in final stanza, coming back down 10 to win 24-20). Eli the biggest chump, 125 yards passing/0 TDs/INT.
8 – Mannings West Peyton fires 3 TD passes in 31-23 over Cincy. The regenerative neck procedures, treatments and blood doping have him feeling so good he announced plans to run the Tour de France next year.
7 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds remain unbeaten with 19-13 triumph over Dallas behind Big Butt Michael Turner’s 102 yards/TD. America, you might need to start seeing other teams, your Cowboys ain’t all that no more.
6 – Pittsburgh Steelers Black & Gold steal 24-20 win over Giants in Jersey behind 147 yards and a score from Issac Redman. Mike Wallace might be faster than a greased missile shot out of a cannon.
5 – New England Patriots (Bye) Bill Belichick uses off week to win the Tecmo Bowl championship of Massachusetts, Tom Brady makes a Chanel commercial that is sexier than Brad Pitt’s and Gronk just Gronks it up all over the damn place.
4 – Green Bay Packers Nothing goes better with cheese nachos than grated cactus salsa, so Aaron Rodgers (you’re 6’-2” man, don’t be a baby when people point that out, chump) obliges by carving up Phoenix Cacti with 4 TD passes.
3 – Chicago Bears Smash of the Titans! Bears plaster Tennessee 51-20 behind 3 Brandon Marshall TDs, some returns and all that. NFL footballs file restraining order vs. Peanut Tillman for all those KO’s.
2 – San Francisco 49ers (Bye) ‘Niners spend off week prospecting for gold in them thar hills. Only player to find any is Patrick Willis, and that’s from knocking out one of Randy Moss’ gold fillings and claiming he found it in a river.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack stay on top despite getting Dougie-ed (Master of Disaster Doug Martin’s quarter of a 1,000 yards rushing/4 TDs). I will be taking over as defensive coordinator, this sh*t is starting to stink!
Program note – The November 11th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature guest meteorologist Al Roker, who will help me & Marv track down Superstorm Sandy so I can punch it. Nothing messes with my Big Apple like that, chump! Also, we’ll go in studio and hand out our mid-season awards (the Weathers Winners).