Carl Weathers NFL Power Rankings — Week 5, 2012
by Patrick O. Elia
on Oct 10, 2012
Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Houston Texans J.J. Watt dentally destroys New York 23-17 (19 Jets had fillings knocked out by the White Carl Weathers). Game was the 666th Monday Night game, and thus Tebow did have to slay Satan during warm-ups.
9 – Philadelphia Eagles Mike Vick promised he would work on turnovers in practice, and it looks like he did in the sense he came up with more and painful ways to give them away (2 costly fumbles in 16-14 loss to Steel Curtain).
8 – Phoenix/St. Louis/Arizona Cardinals Ambush under the Arch! Rams beat up city’s old team 17-3, beat-down Kevin Kolb (9 sacks, hit him more time than a piñata at a piñata testing plant) and send Cards packing without validating their parking.
7 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds decapitate RGIII, knock Redskins back to old RFK Stadium in 24-17 capital city bitch slap. Matt Ryan, however, throws more pitches (52) than any Cub starter during the days of Dusty Baker and schedules Tommy John surgery.
6 – Minnesota Vikings I don’t think even Rocky could catch Percy Harvin (TD rush and reception after a kick return TD last week), Nasty Norsemen nullify tame Titans 30-7.
5 – Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis hits a 3-run homer, scores a hat trick and adds a field goal as Ravens nip Chiefs 9-6. Lewis also makes 98 tackles (according to my game film) and says some nice things about Matt Cassel while KC lunatics cheer his injury.
4 – New York Giants Defending champs blitz Browns 41-27 behind this week’s Master of Disaster Victor Cruz (3 TD catches). Cruz becomes first player to win Dancing with the Stars during a game.
3 – Chicago Bears Bears blizzard of brilliant defensive returns continues in Jacksonville, a 41-3 rout of hapless Jags. Briggs & Tillman go back to back to back to back on INT returns, Cutler doesn’t sulk too much and Coach Smith saves his challenge flags for another day.
2 – San Francisco 49ers Second best team in the Bay Area pile up 621 yards of “O” (311 rushing) on Bills in a 45-3 annihilation. Alex Smith does a fair Joe Montana imitation (303 yards passing) and also a fine Burgess Meredith impression.
1 – Oakland Raiders Al’s Avengers use bye week to catch up on beauty sleep, DVR and correspondence to friends and relatives. Now, well-rested and prepared for utter domination, the AFC west concedes to my merry marauders.
Program note – The October 14th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy welcomes NBC’s Cris Collinsworth. Marv and I will try and determine whether he looks more like a Lord of the Rings character or some woodland creature or someone from Evil Dead. We also welcome suspended Saints coach Sean Payton and allow him to get drunk and tell us what he really thinks of Roger Goodell.