Big Ten Network to run ‘Penn State Vacated Wins’ marathon
on Aug 23, 2012
In anticipation of the upcoming college football season, the Big Ten Network has announced it will run a week-long marathon of all of Penn State’s vacated victories from 1998 to 2011. The games will air in order beginning with their now-imaginary 34-6 thrashing of Southern, Miss on September 5th, 1998 all the way up to their fictional 20-14 victory over Ohio State on November, 19th 2011. In order to make sure nobody gets confused and thinks the games actually counted, “THIS NEVER HAPPENED” will be prominently displayed on the screen during the broadcasts.
“This really is for the fans of the other Big Ten teams who have been wrongfully abused by Penn State for the past 13 years,” said Big Ten Network President Mark Silverman. “Fans of craphouse football programs like Indiana can now go back and essentially wipe out a bad memory by watching these games. Plus, it brings more shameful attention to Penn State, which we all know they haven’t had quite enough of yet.”
In order to make sure nobody is offended by seeing scumbags Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky during the games, the BTN has tasked their graphics department with altering the footage. For Paterno, they took a page from Adam Sandler’s The Waterboy and replaced the coach’s head with a harmless-looking puppy. Any time Sandusky is shown, he will be engulfed in CGI flames, while scary looking demons stab at him with pitchforks.
The marathon will run the week before kickoff of Penn State’s first game and will preempt a bunch of stupid countdown shows where people argue about who is in the top 10 of some arbitrary topic.