Knicks hope Felton and Kidd spark ‘Lin-effect’ with fatties and drunks
on Jul 19, 2012
With “Linsanity” cured in the tri-state area, the Knicks have turned their marketing attention to a new point guard duo.
The plan is to market Raymond Felton, a doughy player with a reputation for showing up at camp “unbelievably out of shape,” to the obese-American community. The Knicks have adopted a similar program used by various airlines, who force passengers over 300 pounds to purchase two tickets.
“It’s a genius idea really,” said Knicks GM Glen Grunwald. “No disrespect to Asian-Americans, but I’d rather have heavy people buying two tickets a pop to come watch Ray. Not only that, we plan to add a special “fat tax” to each ticket. Mayor Bloomberg actually insisted on it. From a monetary stand point it just makes sense.”
Grunwald also pointed out that concession sales would quadruple in their latest projections.
“Well obviously, our food vendors would sell out nightly,” Grunwald continued. “But the real money is in the booze. I don’t condone drunk driving … but this is New York City. No one drives. I hope this isn’t insensitive to say, but Jason’s DUI was a blessing.”
Still, Knicks fans are baffled by the decision to let Lin walk. Not only was he huge with Asian-Americans, his jersey was the No. 1 seller in Asia.
“All fair points,” admitted Grunwald. “But do me this … Think about how many Asians are in New York. There’s a lot, right? Now think about how many fat alcoholics there are. I think we’ll be just fine.”