Cubs consult Colts brass on how to inconspicuously tank season to earn top draft pick
by Manny L. Scoreboard
on Jun 22, 2012
The “foundation for sustained success” continues to be put in place at Wrigley Field as Cubs president Theo Epstein hopped a jet to nearby Indianapolis for a day-long meeting with Colts owner, Jim Irsay. Why would a baseball guy consult a football guy in the middle of the Cubs’ worst season in history? Epstein explained.
“I told you we were going to build this team through the draft. It’s apparent that we’re in the running for next year’s number one pick,” said Epstein. “I can’t screw that up. So I’m talking to Mr. Irsay to make sure we blow this thing good and proper while maintaining the perception that we’re actually trying to win.”
Irsay confirmed the endeavor is no easy task. But he offered Epstein some great advice.
“I made some helpful suggestions,” Irsay said. “Like, for example, I suggested that the trainer find some kind of medical malady for Starlin Castro. It really worked for us and Peyton Manning. I also suggested that Theo get a Kerry Collins-type figure to basically never do anything productive, but at the same time usurp the team’s resources. But then I realized he already has Alfonso Soriano and Geovany Soto. Theo kinda lucked out on that one.”
“I really think he’s got something if he trades away [Ryan] Dempster and [Matt] Garza. That’s guaranteeing a season in the crapper while still making the argument that you’re getting something back. But we all know what’s really going on.”
“The real key to this is keeping Tony Campana on the field,” Irsay said. “That guy has like four times as much hustle as anybody else. Therefore, it looks like you’re trying hard, but really that’s just one guy blurring all around.”