Belichick spends off-season dominating the competition on ‘Storage Wars’
on May 29, 2012
What started out as a simple off-season cameo appearance on reality TV show “Storage Wars” for Bill Belichick has turned into a part-time obsession as the fiery Patriots head coach has now joined the A&E program’s regular cast.
“The league asked me if I’d do an appearance on this mind-numbingly terrible show for some stupid cross promotion they’re doing with whatever channel this show is on and after about five minutes on the set I realized what a bunch of idiots I would be up against so I decided to spend my three-week summer break crushing these morons,” said Belichick, sifting through a stack of several dozen vinyl disco records taken from his latest haul. “Can you believe I won this storage unit for just $950 There’s like 10 Bee Gees albums in here and it’s the same week Robin Gibb died. That’s what you call amazing luck in this business.”
Thanks to his cutthroat bidding style and no-nonsense approach to what he calls “the game of storage unit hunting,” Belichick estimates he’s made at least $10,000 in eight episodes, a record profit for the show. Cast members said they had no idea the man they call “Hoodie Prick” was actually an NFL head coach.
“This dude just bursts on the set in his ugly cutoff football sweatshirt and acts like he owns the place,” said cast member Barry Weiss. “Next thing we know, he’s actually pretty good. He might force a few of us to straighten up and get real jobs on some other reality show like ‘Deadliest Catch’ or ‘Miami Ink.’”
Some of Belichick’s players are concerned, saying this “Storage Wars” stint is just the latest in a string of erratic behavior by their coach since the team’s heart-breaking Super Bowl loss to the Giants in February.
“Bill’s really not been himself since the Super Bowl,” said QB Tom Brady. “By the time training camp starts we all hope he’s back to the normal philandering and opponent-video-taping Coach Belichick we’ve all come to know and love. Well, not love. More the opposite of love.”